Waking Up

I woke up this morning into a lovely haze of evaporating sleep, which i rarely feel anymore.  It was jarring at first because i woke up suddenly, but quickly became pleasant as whatever AM hormones the brain releases kicked in.  I could have drifted back off, but stayed awake and enjoyed the fleeting moments of pure relaxation.

This vibe fit my recent project of revisiting lost feelings & experiences from when i was younger.  I encountered this "sleep haze wakeup" routinely in my teens and twenties because i'd stay up super-late and then zonk out cold, and sleep in whenever possible.  I've all but forgotten the feeling of those carefree days (relatively speaking; rose-colored glasses and all that).  Lazy weekend mornings of reading in bed or listening to the radio, and even weekdays when i'd hit the snooze button a few times and steal an extra 20 minutes of fuzzy slumber.  I've had unstable sleep patterns for most of my life, but at least back then i was able to sleep *soundly* when i slept (random insomnia aside), and wake up feeling generally good.

These days, waking up is usually followed by immediately surveying my body for pain flareups, and silently grumbling as thoughts of dread soak back in (current events, work stress, worry over sleep loss, etc).  Often, i inexplicably wake up throughout the night; wonder (but don't care) what time it is, lull myself off with podcasts, and repeat until dawn finally rolls around.  There are no more lazy mornings.  No matter what time i wake up (or how tired i am), i always feel the need to get moving because there's so much to do and not enough time.

...

I've had a rough couple of years.  Even before the pandemic, i often felt isolated & jaded, and had been neglecting most of my (formerly) favorite activities.  The biggest frustration is a growing list of chronic injuries - mostly RSI's from bad posture and lack of exercise, which then acted recursively by sidelining me even more from physical activity.

Sometimes i marvel at how i got to this point - it's like i barely recognize my own body anymore.  I used to go swing dancing 2-3x/week during my 20s (great fun & awesome cardio).  I took on tough hikes every weekend in my early/mid-30s (even after my knees started acting up).  How did i get from there to here?  I know ageing is part of it, but i'm *barely* 40; isn't that too young to feel this old?

I've worked through multiple rounds of physical therapy, and many attempts on my own to get my act together.  My efforts keep stalling or running into setbacks, and each time i fall behind & end up with even more ground to have to make up.  It's a struggle to get out of that crummy headspace, and back to a baseline where i can even think about trying to start again.

...

I'm starting again now, with a clean slate and reclaimed determination.  I'm rolling out a new, comprehensive plan - more aggressive, and with better attention to detail.  All ideas are back on the table.  I've put an astronomical amount of thought into the things that usually go wrong, and proposed some tactics to (hopefully) deal with those.  [For example, the aforementioned exploration of the past.  I feel like there's a way to gank some attitudes from the old days; use those to rebuild a healthy habit or two, and feed that back into itself to build momentum.]  I wrote things down using actual pen and paper; somehow that makes it feel more real than a google doc.

This blog is part of that plan.  I think writing to publish will help me dial in what i'm doing and why, and document progress to refer back to down the road.  And i'd like this to go beyond just a fitness/rebuilding journal.  I've been craving an outlet for long-form thoughts in general (modern social media is inferior in that respect, at least in my experience).  Maybe this can be a vehicle for my various musings on music, dreams, symmetry, cats, etc (which usually end up half-written and stranded in my drafts folder).

What i *really* want is a quasi-anonymous 2000s-era weblog community, with followers who actually sit down to read, comment, and make the author feel heard (and vice-versa).  Those days are long gone, it seems, at least for newcomers.  But i figure i can at least write for myself - just to process my thoughts and put something out there into a quiet little corner of the internet.