Navel-gazing in this day and age

I realize it's insensitive/out-of-touch to complain about the mediocre problems in my privileged life, while so many people have things so much worse, and existential crises run rampant throughout the world.  Things were already terrifying with the pandemic, and the past week's events show that we still have an overwhelming amount of work to do on fundamental issues.

I rarely post on social media anymore (aside from occasional photos of my cat).  Many of my friends have similarly backed off in the past few years - either switched to read-only mode, or stopped logging in at all.  Now that most of the random, fun things that used to fill the feeds have been pushed down beneath political discourse and raising awareness (which i do believe are important), it feels out of touch to post about things like how my PT is going.  There's this pressure to either participate in discussions of current events, or offer up some other broadly relevant content (cat photos, in my opinion, qualify for the latter).

For politics and news of the day, i generally have nothing to say that hasn't already been said.  My circles are mostly an echo chamber anyway, full of voices more eloquent and with broader perspective than my own.  (The few who fundamentally disagree with me won't be swayed by my arguments (i tried for years before finally giving up).)  All i can really do on those fronts is donate money and vote.

But i still find myself in need of an outlet for introspection and support for my rebuilding/recovery efforts.  (Even if for no other reason than to process the constant churn of thoughts & try to clear my head so i can sleep at night.)  But even here, i'll have to figure out how to strike a balance.  (I spent 2 weeks editing my initial post, and happened to hit the "publish" button right as recent events boiled over.)

Anyway, if anyone is reading this, i hope you and your families are safe and doing ok.

Waking Up

I woke up this morning into a lovely haze of evaporating sleep, which i rarely feel anymore.  It was jarring at first because i woke up suddenly, but quickly became pleasant as whatever AM hormones the brain releases kicked in.  I could have drifted back off, but stayed awake and enjoyed the fleeting moments of pure relaxation.

This vibe fit my recent project of revisiting lost feelings & experiences from when i was younger.  I encountered this "sleep haze wakeup" routinely in my teens and twenties because i'd stay up super-late and then zonk out cold, and sleep in whenever possible.  I've all but forgotten the feeling of those carefree days (relatively speaking; rose-colored glasses and all that).  Lazy weekend mornings of reading in bed or listening to the radio, and even weekdays when i'd hit the snooze button a few times and steal an extra 20 minutes of fuzzy slumber.  I've had unstable sleep patterns for most of my life, but at least back then i was able to sleep *soundly* when i slept (random insomnia aside), and wake up feeling generally good.

These days, waking up is usually followed by immediately surveying my body for pain flareups, and silently grumbling as thoughts of dread soak back in (current events, work stress, worry over sleep loss, etc).  Often, i inexplicably wake up throughout the night; wonder (but don't care) what time it is, lull myself off with podcasts, and repeat until dawn finally rolls around.  There are no more lazy mornings.  No matter what time i wake up (or how tired i am), i always feel the need to get moving because there's so much to do and not enough time.

...

I've had a rough couple of years.  Even before the pandemic, i often felt isolated & jaded, and had been neglecting most of my (formerly) favorite activities.  The biggest frustration is a growing list of chronic injuries - mostly RSI's from bad posture and lack of exercise, which then acted recursively by sidelining me even more from physical activity.

Sometimes i marvel at how i got to this point - it's like i barely recognize my own body anymore.  I used to go swing dancing 2-3x/week during my 20s (great fun & awesome cardio).  I took on tough hikes every weekend in my early/mid-30s (even after my knees started acting up).  How did i get from there to here?  I know ageing is part of it, but i'm *barely* 40; isn't that too young to feel this old?

I've worked through multiple rounds of physical therapy, and many attempts on my own to get my act together.  My efforts keep stalling or running into setbacks, and each time i fall behind & end up with even more ground to have to make up.  It's a struggle to get out of that crummy headspace, and back to a baseline where i can even think about trying to start again.

...

I'm starting again now, with a clean slate and reclaimed determination.  I'm rolling out a new, comprehensive plan - more aggressive, and with better attention to detail.  All ideas are back on the table.  I've put an astronomical amount of thought into the things that usually go wrong, and proposed some tactics to (hopefully) deal with those.  [For example, the aforementioned exploration of the past.  I feel like there's a way to gank some attitudes from the old days; use those to rebuild a healthy habit or two, and feed that back into itself to build momentum.]  I wrote things down using actual pen and paper; somehow that makes it feel more real than a google doc.

This blog is part of that plan.  I think writing to publish will help me dial in what i'm doing and why, and document progress to refer back to down the road.  And i'd like this to go beyond just a fitness/rebuilding journal.  I've been craving an outlet for long-form thoughts in general (modern social media is inferior in that respect, at least in my experience).  Maybe this can be a vehicle for my various musings on music, dreams, symmetry, cats, etc (which usually end up half-written and stranded in my drafts folder).

What i *really* want is a quasi-anonymous 2000s-era weblog community, with followers who actually sit down to read, comment, and make the author feel heard (and vice-versa).  Those days are long gone, it seems, at least for newcomers.  But i figure i can at least write for myself - just to process my thoughts and put something out there into a quiet little corner of the internet.